LAST WEEK ON THE NEWS (with a pinch of salt)

• .      Former President Olusegun Obasanjo declared last week that he was retiring from active politics because he expected to be “raptured with the saints,” and there wasn’t any room for partisan politics in heaven where he was headed. He argued that with all his good works plus a degree in theology from the Nigeria Open University, heaven would be making a huge mistake not to take him along on the rapture cruise. It remains to be seen what happens now that the rapture has been postponed indefinitely. Already, politicians from the Southwest have been pleading with the Owu chief to perish the thought of retiring so soon, especially now that the ACN hurricane is sweeping through the land.

• .      In furtherance of his ongoing consultations with critical stakeholders in the national project, president-elect Goodluck Jonathan hosted ex-convict Lucky Igbinedion in the state house last week. According to the presidential spokesman, ex-prisoners were too powerful a constituency to ignore if the nation must achieve quick transformation in the next four years. It would be recalled that the president had shown a strong commitment to engaging ex-cons when he attended the homecoming thanksgiving of famous Lagos ex-con Chief Olabode George. Goodluck Nigeria!

Still on the 2011 elections:

• .      OandO SHARES PLUNGE BY OVER 50%: In the aftermath of the April 2011 general elections, it has been discovered that the stocks (votes) of OandO (not Oando) nosedived by over 50% in the presidential elections. OandO (aka Okotie and Owuru), the candidates for FRESH Party and Hope Democratic Party (HDP) respectively saw their votes plummet by more than 50% compared to 2007, when they also ran. Okotie’s votes dropped 54% (74,049 to 34,331), while Owuru’s dropped a whopping 58% (28,519 to 12,023). Already, Owuru has filed action to contest the result at the tribunal but analysts agree that it is an unwise move that would most likely end in futility. Looking ahead to 2015, many have suggested that OandO hang their political boots. Or better still, consolidate and merge into the Fresh Hopes Party (FHP).

• .      Still basking in the euphoria of their strong showing in the 2011 elections, the Invalid Votes Party (IVP) has released a statement in Abuja saying that “with projected better voter turnout in 2015, the IVP would give the winning party a run for its money.” With total invalid votes of 1,259,506, IVP performed better than every other party apart from the PDP, ACN and CPC. In fact, all the other parties combined managed only 3.6% of the votes, while the IVP alone got 3.2%. The question that arises is that if the IVP wins the elections, who becomes the president? A renowned activist, who did not want his name disclosed for this piece argues that if such a situation were to happen, the INEC chairman would have to randomly pick a president from one of the many Invalid Peoples Home in Nigeria. Meanwhile some have argued that the expected strong showing of the IVP in 2015 is responsible for the clamour that David Mark remains as senate president in order to invoke a doctrine of necessity when the need arises.