WHY YOU MUST NOT REPAIR NIGERIAN ROADS.

MEMO: TO ALL ELECTED PUBLIC OFFICIALS IN THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.

The Nigeria that you lead is a land of too many critics. Whoever came up with the concept of free speech had obviously never met with Nigerians. That is why I salute your unusual courage and humility in even seeking to serve these people as their ‘servant leaders’.

They have come again. This time, they say the rainy seasons are here and most roads are still in a state of total disrepair and dilapidation. They are up in arms against you, complaining bitterly and ceaselessly about the traffic jams, the loss of man hours, the difficulty in transporting goods, the loss of revenue to government coffers (as though you are not the government), the road accidents and the general inconveniences and untold hardship that they go through daily. However, they haven’t bothered to see the other side of the story and appreciate the benefits of bad roads to them. What an ungrateful people! If they did, am sure they would revere you all instead of this reviling. As a concerned citizen, I adjure your high mightinesses not to listen to these alarmists; do not buckle under their pressure and don’t consider for even a minute the repair of any of these roads.

As a matter of urgent national security importance, Nigerian roads must maintain its leading role as the backbone of the government’s welfare policy for our daring policemen and mendicant citizens. Those clamoring for road repairs do not have the interest of these patriots at heart, otherwise why can’t they see how helpful the slowing down of vehicles at potholes is for beggars, men of the police force and their numerous dependants. They also have not noticed the huge savings that the government is making from this scheme. The alternative which would be to draft and implement a huge social welfare policy for them is not desirable at this point at all. After all the little N20 or N50 that motorists drop do not take anything from them, they should stop complaining and see it as Police Compensation and Appreciation Package (PCAP).

It is a known fact that Nigerians have abnormal and irregular eating habits. Bad roads come in handy in taking care of one aspect of this anomaly. Take for instance the man who takes 6 wraps of ‘eba’ or ‘akpu’ before setting out for work in the morning. Ordinarily, this man would be heavy and lazy in the workplace, thus affecting his productivity and contribution. But thanks to our roads, the digestion process would have been long completed even before he gets to the office. Your critics won’t be able to come up with a more effective health policy.

Furthermore, our rugged roads and landscape could serve as a huge revenue source and foreign exchange earner for the nation, unlike what the critics desire to make us believe. Surely you are aware that amid fears of a terrorist attack last year, the Dakar Rally was moved from Dakar, Senegal to South America for the first time. Nigeria can immediately bid for its return to Africa, but not in Dakar anymore but in Benin, Nigeria or some other Nigerian city noted for extremely bad roads. The kind of roads and terrain the competitors in this automobile race traverse cannot be found in South America or even Dakar but in Nigeria’s Niger delta. We could realize millions of dollars yearly from tourist visits alone. The issue of terrorism doesn’t arise because even though there has been a campaign of calumny against us by foreign embassies no terrorist attack has occurred within our shores.
We could even take it a step further by having a subset of our rebranding exercise- NIGERIA: GOOD PEOPLE, BAD ROADS. In this subset, we will brand our bad roads in such a way that those who have good ones would be humbled and pity their lot. Trust me, you will catch their attention. They will begin to see our bad roads, not as the problems they want to see and make it to be but as assets that they truly are. The wisdom in this is that the money you could have used to do these unnecessary roads can then be channeled into paying the lobbyists and marketing firms that will push this into new frontiers for our great nation. In a few years, it would spread like wild fire and countries would be falling over each other to copy our model. For once, we would be taking a leading role in innovation.

Listen no more to their folly; after all good roads did not stop the winds of recession from blowing in other climes. We have more important things to do with our money. There are still political daughters left to be given out to opposition governors in lavish ceremonies. As you know, these ceremonies are imperative if we must foster political and inter-state unity and if we must move towards a one-party state just like other reasonable nations like Singapore. Furthermore, there are still investigative and reform committees to be formed and funded. You don’t have to accept their recommendations, let there just be a semblance of relative motion, whether it is forward or backward motion doesn’t matter. After all perception is everything.

Once again, I salute your Excellencies for your patriotism and service. I anticipate no change in your approach to governance. Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Sincerely yours,
Stan.

STAN’S NOTES: This post is dedicated to all Nigerians that go through the torture of plying Nigerian roads- basically all Nigerians. The government announced some road projects this week. Let’s hope they mean business.
Check this page on Thursday 7th May for my controversial interview with a renowned university don. Thanks.