LAST WEEK IN THE NEWS (with a pinch of salt)4

1. Representatives, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) has decided to zone the “national poisons.” A breakdown of the poisons and the zones given are: power failure (S/East), unemployment (N/East), insecurity (N/West), bad roads (S/West), corruption (S/South) and illiteracy (N/Central). The PDP said the move is borne out of the desire to strictly obey their constitution which enshrines zoning as a pillar for national unity. Already different states within the zones have begun lobbying to be given prime place in the new zoning structure.

2. Since the fall of the IMF president, Dominique Strauss-Khan, some nations have been clamouring for the position to be zoned to the developing world. The Nigerian government on its part has thrown its weight behind the candidature of a veteran member of Any Government in Power (AGIP), Chief Ojo Maduekwe. Sources say Aso Rock sees the move as politically expedient since there might not be a seat for him in President Jonathan’s new cabinet. It is doubtable that any Nigerian has chopped as much national cake as Chief Maduekwe; now his sights are set on international cake. Some of his previous portfolios in chronological order include: Member of House of Representatives, Member of Constituent Assembly, Adviser to Minister of Foreign Affairs, Special Adviser on self-succession to Gen. Abacha, Minister of Culture and Tourism, Minister of Transport, Legal adviser to President Obasanjo, PDP national secretary, Minister of Foreign Affairs and Assistant DG Goodluck/Sambo Campaign organization. However, A Pinch of Salt can safely predict that based on projections so far, Chief Maduekwe will lose comfortably in the race to succeed Dominique Strauss-Khan at the IMF.

3. An interesting research by the University of Lagos revealed that the major hobby of 100 percent of the world’s males is lusting. The landmark research carried out by the University’s Institute of Gross Sexual Misconduct (I-GSM) showed that when a sexually appealing subject was placed before a man, the part of his brain in charge of lust –the blow-duct –produces an internal sound like the horn of an approaching train. The research head, Dr. Innocent Mann, was quoted as saying, “The result was conclusive for 100 percent of all men, 100 percent of the time. The particular act may differ –in-law banging, prostitutes cavorting, mass-servant whooping, hotel maids bonga-bonga or plain old lusting, but the truth remains that all men love their favourite hobby.”

4. The new speaker of the House of Representatives, Hon. Aminu Tambuwal has assured Nigerians that it would definitely be business as usual in the House for the next four years. To prove it, his second task on assuming office was to adjourn sitting for two weeks so members could enjoy a well deserved rest after a gruelling lobbying process that culminated in him becoming speaker. But first, he set up a 37-member welfare committee to launch the new legislative onslaught on the nation’s resources. Afterwards, he ran to the office of the PDP chairman, where he begged to be forgiven for his “shameful audacity and grievous selfishness in accepting to become speaker.”

5. Meanwhile due to popular demand, A Pinch of Salt has released a compendium titled: Ten Sure-Fire Routes to Your Quick Financial Breakthrough. The ten routes listed include:

• Become a militant, chop amnesty.
• Become a legislator, chop treasury.
• Become a youth leader, chop transport fare.
• Become a pastor, chop offering.
• Become a S/South governor, chop 13% derivation.
• Become a FIFA committee member, chop bribe.
• Become Nigeria’s power crisis, chop $12 billion.
• Become a lecturer, chop blocking.
• Become Buhari’s election tribunal lawyer, chop legal fees.
• Become Bank-ole, chop loan.

The book will be coming to a bookshop near you. Make sure you grab a copy.

CROWNED CLOWN OF THE WEEK: The Cee-Cee goes to Muhammad Abacha, the son of the late dictator, Gen. Sani Abacha. He had some things to say last week about the recurring problem of the Boko Haram sect in the North. He believes that his father would have curtailed the menace if he was still in charge. To prove it, he asked the journalists to “check through your archive, one of the things he (Abacha) said he wanted to be remembered for was security.” I’m sure Nigerians can confess that we were very secure under the benevolent, watchful goggles of Gen. Abacha. A Pinch of Salt believes that Abacha would have probably joined Boko Haram to terrorise Nigerians and maybe extended their influence to neighbouring countries too. It’s a shame his son is too much of a clown to know that.