LAST WEEK IN THE NEWS (with a pinch of salt)5

1. Once again, the attempt to sell-off NITEL which began since the end of the civil war has failed as OMEN International Consortium couldn’t meet the deadline given by the BPE. Consequently, the FG has decided that the only remaining option is to dash the former national carrier to a lucky company. The DG of the Bureau for Public Enterprises (BPE), Ms Bolanle Onagoruwa, released a statement last week saying that a lottery will be conducted to choose the winner. Already, a NITEL-MUST-GO bag has been placed at the entrance of the BPE containing the names of interested firms. Some of the companies that have confirmed interest include Indomie, Emzor, PDP, Moukafoam and Geepee tank.

2. The Old Boys Association of the 6^th Assembly National School held their inaugural meeting last week at the EFCC lounge. Unfortunately, only two members, Dimeji Bankole and Usman Nafada, were present. Top on the agenda was sports development for their alma-mater. They resolved to take out a ten billion naira loan to construct a bail-jumping complex for the school. They also expressed hope that in their next meeting, other Old Boys like Patricia Etteh, Iyiola Omisore and Ayo Arise will make themselves available.

3. Nigerian websites have been adjudged worldwide to be the most free-thinking and independent-minded in terms of browsing outcomes. A Pinch of Salt decided to investigate for itself, and the results were remarkable. When A Pinch of Salt visited the ASUU website, it was greeted with “This site is permanently on strike.” Boldly written on the website of the Federal Government of Nigeria was “President Yaradua is not around now, please try again later,” while that of the House of Reps said “Site on recess.” The Nigeria Police Force website carried, “Boko Haram is not our friend,” The last stop was the EFCC website where the EFCC eagle logo appeared, carrying these words on its beak, “Muahahahaha, you have been scammed.”

4. A new world record was set in Kenya for the most people reading out loud from the same text in different locations at the same time (about 80000 students participated.) In retaliation, a Nigerian group, Piss for Change Nigeria (PFCN) has vowed that Nigerians would set a new record next week for the most people simultaneously peeing by the roadside. According to the National Coordinator of PFCN, Dr, Apiss Onyou, the aim of the initiative was to spark the imagination of our nation on “letting it all out and never keeping it in ever again.” He advised however that due to security concerns, women in certain states like Borno, Bauchi and Zamfara would not be allowed to piss. Interested participants are expected to take a picture or shoot a video that shows them happily peeing, and upload it on the PFCN website.

5. Last week Thursday was the International Day of the African Child. A pinch of Salt eavesdropped on the prayer made by a Nigerian girl child in the secrecy of her bedroom and was taken with her level of maturity. Here’s the summary:

§  Father I pray that you provide a fine, sweet, nice guy like Wizkid to ask me out. I promise to take care of him well and nothing bad will happen between us in the night.

§  I thank you for the corporate dinner President Jonathan organized for daddy and other business men. I also thank you for the lunch that he had with Uncle Dave and his fellow youths. Father, I pray that you touch his heart to organize a breakfast session for us the Nigerian children too. I know that he will give us money for sweets and it will not be tom-tom.

§  I commit Brother Chisom into your mighty hands even as he writes his JAMB this Saturday. I pray O God that the runs flow well-well in his centre so that he will make mummy and daddy proud.

§  I also pray that you touch facebook people so that they will remove age limit from their site and allow children to join too so that it’s not only Brother Chisom them that will be enjoying it alone.

§  Finally Lord, you remember the last time that there was voters registration exercise, I did not go to school for up to one month. I was very happy. Please Lord, let the INEC people find another excuse to do another one. And please make this one to reach like 90days. I will come back to return all the praise and glory to your holy name.

CROWNED CLOWN THE WEEK: The Cee-Cee for this week goes to Lagos preacher and running mate to Gen. Buhari in the last elections, Pastor Tunde Bakare. It would seem that the reverend has a severe case of malignant loquacity. He preached a message last week where he reportedly used words like “imbecile”, “bastard”, “nincompoop”, “son of a concubine” and many other unprintables, to describe a certain Yoruba politician. The revered reverend is hereby called to order. If he is angling to become the leader of the Yorubas, he should present his case and not resort to defamation. A Pinch of Salt respects the reverend but believes that his utterances this time are uncouth and only fit for a clown.

LAST WEEK IN THE NEWS (with a pinch of salt)4

1. Representatives, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) has decided to zone the “national poisons.” A breakdown of the poisons and the zones given are: power failure (S/East), unemployment (N/East), insecurity (N/West), bad roads (S/West), corruption (S/South) and illiteracy (N/Central). The PDP said the move is borne out of the desire to strictly obey their constitution which enshrines zoning as a pillar for national unity. Already different states within the zones have begun lobbying to be given prime place in the new zoning structure.

2. Since the fall of the IMF president, Dominique Strauss-Khan, some nations have been clamouring for the position to be zoned to the developing world. The Nigerian government on its part has thrown its weight behind the candidature of a veteran member of Any Government in Power (AGIP), Chief Ojo Maduekwe. Sources say Aso Rock sees the move as politically expedient since there might not be a seat for him in President Jonathan’s new cabinet. It is doubtable that any Nigerian has chopped as much national cake as Chief Maduekwe; now his sights are set on international cake. Some of his previous portfolios in chronological order include: Member of House of Representatives, Member of Constituent Assembly, Adviser to Minister of Foreign Affairs, Special Adviser on self-succession to Gen. Abacha, Minister of Culture and Tourism, Minister of Transport, Legal adviser to President Obasanjo, PDP national secretary, Minister of Foreign Affairs and Assistant DG Goodluck/Sambo Campaign organization. However, A Pinch of Salt can safely predict that based on projections so far, Chief Maduekwe will lose comfortably in the race to succeed Dominique Strauss-Khan at the IMF.

3. An interesting research by the University of Lagos revealed that the major hobby of 100 percent of the world’s males is lusting. The landmark research carried out by the University’s Institute of Gross Sexual Misconduct (I-GSM) showed that when a sexually appealing subject was placed before a man, the part of his brain in charge of lust –the blow-duct –produces an internal sound like the horn of an approaching train. The research head, Dr. Innocent Mann, was quoted as saying, “The result was conclusive for 100 percent of all men, 100 percent of the time. The particular act may differ –in-law banging, prostitutes cavorting, mass-servant whooping, hotel maids bonga-bonga or plain old lusting, but the truth remains that all men love their favourite hobby.”

4. The new speaker of the House of Representatives, Hon. Aminu Tambuwal has assured Nigerians that it would definitely be business as usual in the House for the next four years. To prove it, his second task on assuming office was to adjourn sitting for two weeks so members could enjoy a well deserved rest after a gruelling lobbying process that culminated in him becoming speaker. But first, he set up a 37-member welfare committee to launch the new legislative onslaught on the nation’s resources. Afterwards, he ran to the office of the PDP chairman, where he begged to be forgiven for his “shameful audacity and grievous selfishness in accepting to become speaker.”

5. Meanwhile due to popular demand, A Pinch of Salt has released a compendium titled: Ten Sure-Fire Routes to Your Quick Financial Breakthrough. The ten routes listed include:

• Become a militant, chop amnesty.
• Become a legislator, chop treasury.
• Become a youth leader, chop transport fare.
• Become a pastor, chop offering.
• Become a S/South governor, chop 13% derivation.
• Become a FIFA committee member, chop bribe.
• Become Nigeria’s power crisis, chop $12 billion.
• Become a lecturer, chop blocking.
• Become Buhari’s election tribunal lawyer, chop legal fees.
• Become Bank-ole, chop loan.

The book will be coming to a bookshop near you. Make sure you grab a copy.

CROWNED CLOWN OF THE WEEK: The Cee-Cee goes to Muhammad Abacha, the son of the late dictator, Gen. Sani Abacha. He had some things to say last week about the recurring problem of the Boko Haram sect in the North. He believes that his father would have curtailed the menace if he was still in charge. To prove it, he asked the journalists to “check through your archive, one of the things he (Abacha) said he wanted to be remembered for was security.” I’m sure Nigerians can confess that we were very secure under the benevolent, watchful goggles of Gen. Abacha. A Pinch of Salt believes that Abacha would have probably joined Boko Haram to terrorise Nigerians and maybe extended their influence to neighbouring countries too. It’s a shame his son is too much of a clown to know that.

       

LAST WEEK IN THE NEWS (with a pinch of salt)3

• The Nigeria Labour Congress (NLC) has threatened to embark on an indefinite strike if the Federal government doesn’t immediately declare a new minimum age for the nation. The NLC said this has become necessary due to the alarming number of old men claiming to be youths these days. In a press release, the NLC president said, “In recent times, we have seen men like Nuhu Ribadu and Dele Momodu, both aged 51, claim to be youths. Now President Jonathan has appointed a 50year old man as the secretary to the government of the federation, and they are calling him a youth. The average Nigerian’s life expectancy is 48.4years. If we call a 50year old a youth, it means there are no old men left in this country. That’s nonsense; we must have a defined minimum age in order to progress.” It will be recalled that Nigeria is a signatory to the African Youth Charter which defines a youth as any person between the ages of 15 and 35.

• An innovative recruitment drive has been launched by the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). According to online news outlet, Kalahari reporters, top PDP members have been given targets to each get at least one leading opposition figure to come under the party umbrella. The president himself was asked to get Bola Tinubu; Gov. Babaginda Aliyu of Niger State is to get Nassarawa state CPC governor Alhaji Tanko Almakura; while Senate president David Mark was given the Muhammad Buhari account. Meanwhile, a PDP stalwart has defended the party’s decision to give the ‘Buhari target’ to David Mark instead of Vice-president Namadi Sambo. According to him, “We had to be realistic in order to avoid a situation where it is the VP himself who gets converted. You know he could not deliver his own polling booth in the last elections; is that the person you think can convince a man like Buhari?”

• The Freedom of Information Bill has finally become law in Nigeria and already, the ripples are being felt. An activist, Comrade Vengeance Greene is invoking his rights under the law to know who actually moved the motion in the 1950s for Nigeria’s independence. There has been controversy in recent times over who (among Anthony Enahoro, Remilekun Fani-Kayode, S.L Akintola and Tafawa Balewa) moved the motion. Comrade Greene has written to Hansard (the official transcripts of proceedings in the British parliament since the 19^th century) as well as the Department of Nigerian archives, demanding to see the records. When pressed on why he needed the information, Comrade Greene contended that “we need to know which of those men is responsible for the sufferings of Nigerians. Can you imagine where we would have been today if the British hadn’t left? That motion chased them away. The children of that person must be made to pay –no member of such a family must hold public office in this country again. Ever!”

In a related development, students of one of Nigeria’s tertiary institutions (name withheld) have written to their lecturers to release to them the questions for their forthcoming exams. The school authorities have asked for more time to respond.

• British magazine, The Economist published an article (Hail The Useful Chief) about President Jonathan on May 26^th, in which it said this: “When The Economist requested an interview with the president, we were asked whether we would contribute to his election campaign –or whether the president will pay us.” Following that report, A Pinch of Salt launched an investigation into what –if anything –did Nigerian magazine, Thisday Style pay to have that 2-day interview and breathtaking photo-shoot of first lady Dame Patience Jonathan which appeared in its May 29 Special Inauguration Edition. Our findings reveal that Thisday Style was asked to ensure two things. First, that they photoshop the first lady till she was creamer and finer than Mitchelle Obama and then, that they perform a miracle –publish an 8-page interview/photo splash in which the first lady doesn’t make one grammatical gbagaun. And they did.

• After being messilessly walloped by the Super Eagles of Nigeria in an international friendly played in Abuja, the Argentine soccer team has petitioned FIFA for a rematch. According to Argentine coach Sergio Batista, the previous five meetings between the teams had the Argentines on top with an aggregate score of 4-1 which Nigeria cancelled in this one match, making them even. He therefore called for a one match decider that will crown the better team once and for all. The Nigerian FA has said that “it doesn’t respond to sore losers.”

CROWNED CLOWN (CEE-CEE) OF THE WEEK: The Cee-Cee goes to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who accused Europe of keeping rain away from Iran. What a schlep! Here’s what he had to say: “They are emptying the clouds so that they will not move our way. This is a premeditated event. We will not permit such a disgraceful thing to take place.” Really, I don’t blame the guy; it’s the dehydration.

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